A couple of months ago when we were planning our wedding, the topic of changing my name came up. Growing up, I’d always assumed that when I got married, I would change my name. When I was a little girl, I’d spend hours daydreaming about what my future married name would be and I’d practise new, made-up signatures in my notebooks (tell me I’m not the only one!). Almost every married woman I knew had taken on her husband’s family name so, naturally, I’d grown up believing that I would too.
I got married but I’m not changing my name. Here’s why:
But fast-forward twenty or so years and my thoughts on changing my name have completely flipped. As I grew older, I started to question this practise and the more I thought about it, the less appealing it seemed. In Australia, over 80% of women take their husband’s names but why is this? Shouldn’t there be a more equal distribution between both genders? I couldn’t help but feel that this was unbalanced, outdated and, quite frankly, pretty sexist. Is there any actual need for either person to change their name at all?
To me, the decision whether or not to change my name was a HUGE one. I had, after all, lived a whole 31 years of my life with the name I was born with and I worried that if I threw it aside, I’d feel disconnected from my identity. The concept of family is so beautifully fluid nowadays anyway and I knew we didn’t need to have the same name to be a strong family. After all, being together for the past 11 years had us feeling as though we were already a family long before we were married!
So over a morning coffee one day, I broached the topic with Ben and we had a really honest and interesting chat about it. When it came down to it, we essentially had five options and we talked about each in length. These were our choices:
1. I could take my husband’s name
In Australia, this is very much the traditional path that most couples go down. But… it didn’t feel right to me. Why is it assumed that I had to be the one to give up my name? How is that fair? Isn’t my name just as important as my husband’s name? Why do so many women choose to give up their names? I’ve been Rachel Bale ALL MY LIFE and to give it away felt like I would be losing a part of who I was.
2. My husband could take my name
The second option was that instead of me giving up my surname, Ben would give up his and become a Bale. When I offered up this suggestion, he looked at me as if I had two heads. There was no way he would even consider it. How interesting, I thought. He had attached such importance to his name and it was unthinkable to him to give it up. He felt very strongly about it which I understood because I actually felt the same about mine. This just reinforced my opinion that the person that changes their name is giving up something quite fundamental.
3. We could hyphenate our names
Then of course we have the hyphen option. If we were both adamant that we weren’t going to change our names, why not join them together? Isn’t that more equal? I was pretty open to this option but Ben wasn’t so keen. He really just didn’t want to change his name in any way whatsoever. As a concept designer and creative director, he’s known in his industry by his name – it’s almost like a tagline. Changing his name might cause confusion. That’s cool. I totally respect that. Cross out option three!
4. We could pick a new family name together
This option didn’t seem to be any better than hyphenating our names. Also, picking a totally random, new family name just seemed too hilarious to take seriously! How the heck do you even go about choosing something?!
5. We could blend our two names
I’ll admit, I think this is kind of cool. It achieves the same purpose as a hyphenated name without the hyphen or clunkiness. But what would our blend be? Bale + Last. Balast? Bast? Lasba? Labale? I’m laughing just writing those down! This clearly just wasn’t going to work.
6. Neither of us change our names
Realising that neither of us was 100% happy with any of the above options, it only left one solution: we just continue on as before and don’t change our names.
Naturally of course, all this talk about naming led to a discussion about what name our future kids would have. We both agreed that their names will be hyphenated… but who’s name would come first? That’s the million dollar question. Would it be ‘Jimmy Bale-Last’ or ‘Jimmy Last-Bale’? Man, this was getting complicated! Actually, I settled the argument pretty quickly when I reminded Ben that if I’m the one growing them and pushing them out of my body, there’s no way in hell that my name wouldn’t be first! Besides, the name ‘Last-Bale’ just sounds weird anyway, amirght?
Of course, the reasons for changing or keeping your name are so varied and individual and what’s right for one person isn’t necessarily what’s right for another. In the end, I love the decision we made to not change our names. For us, it just wouldn’t have felt right any other way.
Looking for more of my honest ramblings? Check out the Journal category or read these posts next:
- Shouldn’t I Have My Shit Together By Now?
- Why You Need to Re-Think Your Definition of Success
- 10 Things That Happen When You Quit the 9-5
I would LOVE to know your opinion on this issue! Tell me what you think in the comments!
My experiences with this is sooo interesting and infuriating all at the same time. I’m 98% certain I would keep my own name and my partner would keep his and we would hyphenate any kids names. I’ve had people ask me “well what about when your children get married? You can’t just keep adding on names” to which I would say it would be their decision what names they keep or don’t keep that point, not mine. It’s making me want to research surname conventions in other countries to see if *any* have a simple, equal system that doesn’t benefit the patriarchy or matriarchy. Hah, wishful thinking. I would really like it if my partner were to take my name, but my family are always just like “you can’t expect him to do that” …um, why not? I also know lots of women who do change their name but keep their original name for business purposes. Could be a good compromise for some, but I’d find it too complicated. Wow, a topic that definitely sparks so much potential for discussion! Btw congratulations on your marriage, the ceremony looked so lovely 🙂
Aren’t other people’s reactions interesting Rebecca?! I’ve had lots of people say similar things to me too. It’s a polarising topic, that’s for sure! I’m loving reading everyone’s opinions so thank you for leaving yours! I can’t wait to share more about our wedding too once the photos arrive!
I agree with this post SO MUCH. I’ve also thought the exact same thing recently! It’s such an outdated practice and it’s so stupid that it’s still automatically assumed that the woman will take the husband’s last name. I’ll definitely be keeping mine! As you said, our own names are as much of our identities as any man’s name is to theirs. I hope this won’t even be an issue or talking point in the future! Congratulations on your marriage 😀
Thanks Amy! As I grew older, I thought about it more and more and was like, ‘Hang on. This just doesn’t feel right.’ It’s so good to have a discussion about it with people around you too. Everyone has such different thoughts!
Good for you! I whole-heartedly support this and doing what works for you!
Thanks girl! I was so stubborn with this one, haha!
Great post, really got me thinking. If I one day marry my partner of five years I quite like the idea of combining our names so neither of us has to “give up” our names. But his last name has an apostrophe which may complicate things slightly. I quite like the idea of creating a brand new name to represent our new family. But I think I’ll always write (as a journalist/author) under my maiden name as I feel branding is also important in that sense. But I’m ok with the distinction between personal and professional. Also, Bale-Last is definitely the way to go (Last can go last haha, see what I did there?)
Congratulations on your marriage!
Those are some great ideas, Liz! Do you know how your partner feels about it? I actually had no idea how Ben felt until a few months before our wedding haha! And yes, consistency in branding is more important than ever nowadays. Thanks so much for leaving your thoughts!
In the United States, women may change their last name, but they still use their maiden name professionally or have their maiden name become their middle name, no hyphen. I heard changing your last name is SUCH a pain in the U.S.! I would personally love to keep my name, just like what you chose. Congratulations 🙂
Oh it’s such a pain to change your name in Australia too! I’d love to know how common it is for males to change their names after marriage in the U.S. I’ve heard of lots of women making their maiden name into their middle name while still taking their husband’s surname, but I wonder how many men do the same… I LOVE that we’re having this discussion – I think it’s so important!
Thank you Rachel. For inspiring many other women to think about this whole topic again. I am really not sure why is it taken for granted, that women should leave it all behind and take over the men’s name. As you said most men don’t even consider the option to change their names. And well for me at least most English surnames sounds beautiful, in German there are some that are pretty awful. Even men with ..let’s say not such a nice surname wouldn’t change theirs. I am happy to hear you talked all the options through and I had to laugh so hard at the end when you wrote ‘Last-Bale’. You will give birth to your future kids and you are so right. I love your openness and I hope many women will read this and will think about this whole thing again.
I think it’s an issue that we should all be talking more about and I’m happy you agree, Melanie! Times are changing and I think some customs also need to evolve. I’m glad you found the post interesting!!